You were fashionably sensitive, but to cool to care....

I am falling apart. My back hurts so badly that I couldnt even help everyone paint my grandparents house today. With all that they do for us, it upsets me that I really couldnt help. I know they all understood, but it made me feel old and useless. I dont like it.. I dont like feeling sorry for myself.

On another note, Karabear fell today running after someone and they think she tore something in her knee. My family is falling apart it seems. She was a trooper, but she can hardly walk and we took her to the urgicare. They are pretty sure she needs an orthopedic doctor to look at it. Ugh to that.

On a slighly happier note, as freaked out as I am about flying, I cant wait to get out of this city for a few days. I need some sun and some relaxing and just no worries for just a bit. I feel like everything is just piling up all over me. With the boy who cant make a choice, with the fam, with my own personal goals and expectations that I am not really making right now.. I need a break. I need a miracle.. I need a sign.. something.

Im sick of being lonely.

...becomes a whiter shade of pale...

Im blue. I dont really know why, but im in a funk. I dont know if its the boy..or lack of the boy..any boy even... or if its the family.. I think that we are losing my karabear and fast. I know she needs to find her path, I just dont want to think of the heartache she is going to have to go through to get there. I did all that. I ran away at 18 like a fool... i stayed with a man who was evil for pride.. I dont want her to end up like that.. she is such a little me that it hurts.

Im also stuck at a plateau with my weight loss. I am going back to the gym tommorrow after a hiatus. Im still watching what I eat, for that im really really proud...but I need to get back to feeling the burn. Getting my metabolism back up is key. I walked a lot on vacation and im sure that helped, but I feel lazy and lackluster.

Thank god for my friends who keep trying to pull me up. To remind me that I am so special and I dont need the crap that even though he doesnt mean to put me through, he does. Its hard to love. Its hard to be alone at almost 31 when almost everyone I know is together with someone. Im not good at being alone. Im picky and know what I want. I have to have faith that something great is waiting for me. I just hope it doesnt take forever to find me.. or for me to find it.

So go away blue.. i want color again. I want to feel fire and passion and be happy. I think Ive waited long enough.

I'm sleeping between trucks thinking of you...

I hate being sick. Im not like sick sick, but a horrible sinus infection and an ear infection are keeping me in bed today. I can feel the grossness hanging out in my chest. When I actually start coughing, its going to be really sickening. I know it. My doctor is kind of creepy, but he is loose with the prescription pad, thank god, cause I needed an allergy prescription and something for my poor ears. I am happy for a lazy day in bed trying to breathe, but I do hate not being at work. I love my job and I dont like that its not getting done today. I guess ive become a dedicated member of corporate society after all. Also kinda gross.

I didnt make it to the gym last night, opting for the doctors office instead, looks like Lacey and I had the forces against us. I will be back in action on Thursday.. I know I wont go tommorrow since I would like to celebrate the 5% irish blood that I have.

I did decide to go to San Diego. Ive never been to CA and a free trip sounds divine. I just have to pay for a plane ticket and the shuttles. Big Deal. This is why god invented plastic. Plus, with the Florida trip in two weeks, Im looking forward to getting out of town and clearing my head a little bit. As much as I dont love the sun, I am very ready to soak in some vitamin D and relax.

So bring on health and family time in FL and some Amy time in CA. Im ready for it. Plus, I wont look 1/2 bad in my bathing suit this year. Thats a bonus. Now, however, its time for TV and some more OJ.

Im a slacker. Ive walked this week, but no gym. Starting sunday its back on the horse. Whether or not I have to drag myself there alone, im going to curves. I havent gained any, but im at a plateau. I have to find out how to break it. I dont want to be skinny. I just want to be healthy.

Im in a weird spot for other things. we are talking, but its weird. I think he thinks I want more than I do. Right now, im content. I dont need anything else but what it is. I know he cant give me anything else and when I decide that I want it, Ill find it. Maybe (for sure) it wont be with him. Sad, yes. but expected. Will I ever be truly happy?

I need a date. I need someone to make my heart go pitterpatter. I want to go far away and see something new and exciting. I need my tummy to stop hurting and my head to sleep.

The good news is I have a really cute skirt to wear tomorrow. That pleases. me.

Love, Love will tear us apart... again.

I went to the Bier Markt last night for a friends birthday. I was happy to be out for her and tried to have fun, really I did.. but I felt out of place. I just didnt like the bar, or the scene. I dont know what it is about me.. Its so hard for me to have fun if Im not 'with' someone. I am so wrapped up in the feeling that I need to have someone to share special looks with, to play footise with under the table, to drive home with me when its horrible and snowy and im scared...

Im really trying to break this habit. I dont NEED someone. I shouldnt need someone.. but damn, I really want someone. A certain someone, but I cant have him. I know hes not good for me or what I need. I know this feeling will fade and go away eventually. I know it. I know Im better than this need for him and that somewhere there is someone for me.. but tonight, I ache.

There was a boy last night who I know liked me. Im pretty sure he came out just to see me, but I just wasnt into him. I should have been, but I wasnt. I have this shadow of the person I want to be with so badly hanging out above me, behind me, above me... that I just cant get out from in it.

I want the fairy tale. I want someone to sweep me off my feet. I deserve this. Im a good person. Im pretty. Im funny. I care more about others than I do about myself. Why is it that im alone...? Is there something about me that pushes people away? I just dont get it...

Save the last dance for me...

Okay.. Im happy. really really happy. I did much better than I expected.

Drum Roll for this one. Here goes:

Total Inches Lost: 9
Total Pounds Lost: 7.5
Total Body Fat Pounds Lost: 6.77

Inches lost:
Bust: 1.25
Waist: 2
Abdomen: .75
Hips: 1.5
Thighs: 1 (each)
Arms: .75 (each)
Body Fat%: down 1.80%
BMI: down 1.17 points

So holy crap. I lost 6.77 pounds of pure body fat. I just keep thinking of how heavy a 5lbs weight can be in your hands after awhile...I lost more than one of thoes. Im remotivated. Not that I had lost any motivation, but its right back up there.

Im proud of me. For the first time in a long time.

...and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned.

I get measured tomorrow. Im excited. I know all my pants are looser and I bought a smaller size at Old Navy today. (Old Navy...where I have never been able to find a pair of pants that fit right, let alone in a regular size!!) But I want to see numbers. I want proof that what Im doing is the right thing. That this isnt a fluke. That I, at 30, can make a true lifestyle change.

Im lonely. I know being thinner wont cure that, but even I have to admit, its easier for the skinner girls to find someone to spend time with. I miss having a boy around. I miss sleeping next to someone. I miss sharing with someone. That someone. A special someone. I want that back. As sad as it is to say that I need a man in my life.. I dont think that thats it. I dont need one.. I am doing okay without one.. but I want one. Im getting older. I want a marriage and I want a baby and I want a shared life with someone.

I really hope that im taking the right steps to get there.

Putting on your bedroom eyes...

I got a polite nudge yesterday that I am not keeping up my end of the blogging bargain, so here it goes. : )

I feel like people might get sick of me talking about my weight. I cant help it, im really proud of myself. I lost 30 pounds. Thats the most Ive lost ever and this is the lowest weight I have been at in years. Im trying not to brag or seem full of myself, but its hard when you are proud. I did slack major this week.. I let my workout buddy being sick talk my head into not going to the gym. I did walk a little at home, but its not the same. Its time to get back on the wagon this week, no questions asked. Gym Gym Gym. The thought does not make me unhappy.

Hmm, what else. Im in a weird place in my head. I feel like im missing something. Im not sure what it is yet... Like I walked out of the house without my cell phone. just that nagging feeling in the back of my head. I did have a good night last night. Its weird, but familiar.

I do feel happy that Im rejoining all my friends again after a bout of being AWOL for a while. I forgot how much girl time can ease the soul. I cant wait to be Aunt Tessa to my oldest friends baby *lets get going on that..come on!!* Amy keeps me sane, its so good that she lives here. And Keri, god, my family is fucked up, but she gets me.

Now off to a lazy sunday. I have a zombie movie to watch and some dinner to make to get back on the wagon. I swear that if something fun happens, you will be the first to know.

Till one by one, they were gone.

I feel good today. I made the decision last week to live for me and not anyone else and it seems to be going nicely. Not that I still dont get excited when he emails or texts, but its getting to be less of a thrill. I still miss him a lot, but whatever will be will be. I cant control the world as much as I might want to. Im letting it ride. It feels good.

I have to agree with Lacey that I feel kinda old. I was miserable at the bar last night. Too crowded, too full of idiot little kids. I dont want to be 20 again. Ever. I was that girl once. Im happy she is gone. Happy she existed, but happy she is in the past and left some life lessons in my head...

On a happy note, Curves is my buddy. I lost 2 lbs of weight and 2% body fat. I bought a pair of jeans and a shirt in a size smaller. This made me pleased. Plus, its just nice to have a routine and get to see my friends a little more often. Ive been in hibernation for awhile. I did cheat a little and ate some fast food yesterday, but it was a minimal portion, I felt a little guilty afterwards, and now I no longer have a craving. You have to cheat every once and a while or you will fail. So Im good about it.

I think thats about all. I did meet a cute boy on Friday... He has an accent. I dont know if Im twitterpated, but I could do well with having a crush. Just for a little excitement. : )

Muted to a Whisper.

Oh, the weekend. What is there to say? Friday was super. Keri again took me out to play.. I love the little bar that her new roommate works at. I hung out with her and her boyfriends friends. They are good people it seems. I turned down a pleasant offer for some smooches and went home happy.
Saturday was christmas with my godfather and family. My sisters were a huge help with some cleaning and fun was had by all...
Today was lazy. It was movies, some grocery shopping, and lots of lazy lazy time. It felt rejuvinating.

Im so excited for wednesday. Im ready to be measured and poked and prodded and whatever it takes to get my body in some great shape. For God's sake... I bought Boca Burgers today. I couldnt even believe they made it into the cart. Life has changed so much.

I thought about him a lot this weekend. I couldnt help it. I knew where he was on Friday night and it took all my will not to 'accidentally' show up. Im proud that I didnt. Not proud of the email that followed telling about it, but Hey, we all know im nuts.

Bring on the work week. So much is happening. I cut my hair. Its uber cute. Short and sassy. Its how I roll.

I want the fire back.

I watched the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the first month and a half of being single. I thought that watching a woman kick ass and take names would be inspiring. In some ways it was. But now, I have the soundtrack to the musical episode 'Once More, With Feeling' In my head ALL the time. Which in a way its good...it does sing about being strong, and what it feels like to just go through the motions of life, where no one really sees you, but just what you let them in to see..

Im sick of going through the motions, I really do just want to feel alive again. I think this is a really good first start.

I persuaded (or convinced, however you want to look at it) Miss L to come to Curves with me. 90 free days is really really tempting. Im excited and looking forward to something. Its going to be great. Size 12, 10, 8, wherever it ends up.. here I come!!

Oh and Happy Birthday to Carol. I dont think she reads this, but I wanted it out there.

If you cant change the world.. Change yourself

So I was dragged to Wal-mart (I HATE Wal-mart) to buy the first pair of tennis shoes that I have owned since I was 15 that were not Converse. They are ugly and purple and horrible.. but what they represent is everything. They are the start of a new me. A new outlook. A new self image.
Im the girl with the personality, the one who makes people laugh, the one who is fun to be around (when im not thinking of him of course) but Ive never been the skinny one. The pretty one, maybe, somedays. And Ive been pretty much okay with that. I was happy in my station. But now, well, now im not.

Ive lost around 20lbs so far on what started as 'the break up' diet. But now, im going healthy about it. Ive dropped my calories and cut out all but diet soda. It was hard at first, when I stopped being so depressed about the break up... but now it seems like second nature. Im excited to see just what I can become.

If I can lose another 40, Ill be thrilled. 60 and ill fall over. Im proud of me. Curves is having a special 3 months free when you sign up through the cleveland clinic..Thats my plan tomorrow. 90 days.. god, i wonder what I can accomplish by then.

I guess this blog is going to become just what I thought, A look at the metomorphisis of me. How do you grow stronger from a broken heart, and what do you do with yourself when what you thought you were living for is gone? My idea.. Im going to go back to living for me.

That feels pretty good. So bring it on purple tennis shoes and yoga pants... Im ready for you.

Getting to know you, getting to like what you see...

So I spent all day alone. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to see if I could. You see, I have a big problem being a little needy and always wanting people around. I wanted to know that even though I had something to do, that I could not go crazy with my own company.

Plus, it is his birthday and well, Im just upset a little that he didnt want to see me at all. We are moving back to that point... slowly. Very very slowly. I dont want to be his girl... well I might, but I know I cant, but I do want my friend back. I should be greatful that we are emailing. Thats a start..a decent one for someone as antisocial as he is claiming to be lately.

I miss him. But I made it through today with no tears, no rants, no raves. Just me. And my thoughts. Im a great person.

Thanks to thoes who did want to see me.. Lace and Todd, Keri and a few others... I appreciate that you want me as a part of your world. It heals my heart.

why not

Everyone else has one.. why cant I?

Im not even sure what will go in here. I like Lacey and her pics. Maybe ill steal her style. Maybe Ill write bad poetry or love songs.

Who knows.