Sunday, January 31, 2010

Till one by one, they were gone.

I feel good today. I made the decision last week to live for me and not anyone else and it seems to be going nicely. Not that I still dont get excited when he emails or texts, but its getting to be less of a thrill. I still miss him a lot, but whatever will be will be. I cant control the world as much as I might want to. Im letting it ride. It feels good.

I have to agree with Lacey that I feel kinda old. I was miserable at the bar last night. Too crowded, too full of idiot little kids. I dont want to be 20 again. Ever. I was that girl once. Im happy she is gone. Happy she existed, but happy she is in the past and left some life lessons in my head...

On a happy note, Curves is my buddy. I lost 2 lbs of weight and 2% body fat. I bought a pair of jeans and a shirt in a size smaller. This made me pleased. Plus, its just nice to have a routine and get to see my friends a little more often. Ive been in hibernation for awhile. I did cheat a little and ate some fast food yesterday, but it was a minimal portion, I felt a little guilty afterwards, and now I no longer have a craving. You have to cheat every once and a while or you will fail. So Im good about it.

I think thats about all. I did meet a cute boy on Friday... He has an accent. I dont know if Im twitterpated, but I could do well with having a crush. Just for a little excitement. : )

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Muted to a Whisper.

Oh, the weekend. What is there to say? Friday was super. Keri again took me out to play.. I love the little bar that her new roommate works at. I hung out with her and her boyfriends friends. They are good people it seems. I turned down a pleasant offer for some smooches and went home happy.
Saturday was christmas with my godfather and family. My sisters were a huge help with some cleaning and fun was had by all...
Today was lazy. It was movies, some grocery shopping, and lots of lazy lazy time. It felt rejuvinating.

Im so excited for wednesday. Im ready to be measured and poked and prodded and whatever it takes to get my body in some great shape. For God's sake... I bought Boca Burgers today. I couldnt even believe they made it into the cart. Life has changed so much.

I thought about him a lot this weekend. I couldnt help it. I knew where he was on Friday night and it took all my will not to 'accidentally' show up. Im proud that I didnt. Not proud of the email that followed telling about it, but Hey, we all know im nuts.

Bring on the work week. So much is happening. I cut my hair. Its uber cute. Short and sassy. Its how I roll.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I want the fire back.

I watched the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the first month and a half of being single. I thought that watching a woman kick ass and take names would be inspiring. In some ways it was. But now, I have the soundtrack to the musical episode 'Once More, With Feeling' In my head ALL the time. Which in a way its does sing about being strong, and what it feels like to just go through the motions of life, where no one really sees you, but just what you let them in to see..

Im sick of going through the motions, I really do just want to feel alive again. I think this is a really good first start.

I persuaded (or convinced, however you want to look at it) Miss L to come to Curves with me. 90 free days is really really tempting. Im excited and looking forward to something. Its going to be great. Size 12, 10, 8, wherever it ends up.. here I come!!

Oh and Happy Birthday to Carol. I dont think she reads this, but I wanted it out there.

Monday, January 11, 2010

If you cant change the world.. Change yourself

So I was dragged to Wal-mart (I HATE Wal-mart) to buy the first pair of tennis shoes that I have owned since I was 15 that were not Converse. They are ugly and purple and horrible.. but what they represent is everything. They are the start of a new me. A new outlook. A new self image.
Im the girl with the personality, the one who makes people laugh, the one who is fun to be around (when im not thinking of him of course) but Ive never been the skinny one. The pretty one, maybe, somedays. And Ive been pretty much okay with that. I was happy in my station. But now, well, now im not.

Ive lost around 20lbs so far on what started as 'the break up' diet. But now, im going healthy about it. Ive dropped my calories and cut out all but diet soda. It was hard at first, when I stopped being so depressed about the break up... but now it seems like second nature. Im excited to see just what I can become.

If I can lose another 40, Ill be thrilled. 60 and ill fall over. Im proud of me. Curves is having a special 3 months free when you sign up through the cleveland clinic..Thats my plan tomorrow. 90 days.. god, i wonder what I can accomplish by then.

I guess this blog is going to become just what I thought, A look at the metomorphisis of me. How do you grow stronger from a broken heart, and what do you do with yourself when what you thought you were living for is gone? My idea.. Im going to go back to living for me.

That feels pretty good. So bring it on purple tennis shoes and yoga pants... Im ready for you.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Getting to know you, getting to like what you see...

So I spent all day alone. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to see if I could. You see, I have a big problem being a little needy and always wanting people around. I wanted to know that even though I had something to do, that I could not go crazy with my own company.

Plus, it is his birthday and well, Im just upset a little that he didnt want to see me at all. We are moving back to that point... slowly. Very very slowly. I dont want to be his girl... well I might, but I know I cant, but I do want my friend back. I should be greatful that we are emailing. Thats a start..a decent one for someone as antisocial as he is claiming to be lately.

I miss him. But I made it through today with no tears, no rants, no raves. Just me. And my thoughts. Im a great person.

Thanks to thoes who did want to see me.. Lace and Todd, Keri and a few others... I appreciate that you want me as a part of your world. It heals my heart.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

why not

Everyone else has one.. why cant I?

Im not even sure what will go in here. I like Lacey and her pics. Maybe ill steal her style. Maybe Ill write bad poetry or love songs.

Who knows.