10,

I stole this from Lacey, who stole this from Phee-Bee, who stole this from a gal she knows. I'm sick of crying while watching Philadelphia, so I thought I would try it. It will also make a certain preggers gal of mine smile. Which is good.
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Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession
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1. You are as amazing as I think you are...but only to me. The rest of the world just thinks that you are mysterious and shallow. I dont care.

2. You are going about this the wrong way. You will never find what you are looking for doing what you are doing.

3. You have grown up so much in the past forever. I am so proud of who you are becoming and honored that I will always be a part of it.

4. You are adorable and so wrong for me, but something about your horribly sarcastic attitude really makes me smile. Sucker for punishment that I am. I think that I scare you and even though you tell me that you will never fall in love with me, I think that you are just trying to keep up appearances.

5. You remind me so much of daddy that it hurts me to be with you for extended periods of time. But on the flip side, I cant imagine what my life would be without you. I love you more than you can ever ever guess.

6. You are stubborn and wrong most of the time...even if you refuse to admit it. You are your mother's daughter, but without all the nice and loyal qualities that she has. If we were not related, I wouldnt be friends with you.

7. I dont miss you. You were the rebound that went wrong. I was too scared to be alone to leave sooner. You will never grow up and I am far too good for you.

8. As bitchy as you are, you are like a second mom sometimes. I crave your advice and approval, but I wish you were not so stubborn.

9. When you decide to grow up and love yourself and when we find the right cocktail for you, you are going to be the sweet and thoughtless person I know you can be. You do have a heart of gold.

10. You are at that age when being popular is the most important thing in the world. I hope it doesnt make you stuck up. You are far to wonderful for that.

Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming

Biggest loser at work starts next Monday. I will be allowed to go back to the gym that week as well. Im pretty excited about both of these prospects. I have been stuck at 194/195 for about 3 months now. Im a little sick of it. I would love love love to watch the scale number go down. Im hoping the motivation of the biggest loser at work is whats going to get me there...that and 4 days a week doing water aerobics. Im determined. I want this. Period.

So, this is the end of this chapter. Monday starts a new one. Im pretty darn excited.

Measurements and a photo to come next week. I swear.

Weight: 194

The light is pale and thin.. like you.

So here goes. I'm not going to 'blog' per se...We all know that doesnt work for me. I quit after a few months...

I am however going to start tracking my weight loss and progress here. I think If I have a photo record and a written account of what I do, it will be easier to get motivated and be held accountable.

Here goes:

Weight: 194lbs (and I can write that with confidence, considering 1 year ago it was 250lbs. I have lost 54lbs in a year. Not so bad.

BMI:29.49 Overweight

Waist: TBD
Hips: TBD
Bust: TBD

As I am only allowed to do water aerobics and walking, I will be keeping a log of that starting Feb. 1st. My gym membership renews on the 10th and I feel that I will be joined by several people to help me meet my goals. I will also have a food diary listed on here too, I think. We shall see how I feel. Phase 2, 34 lbs by my birthday...starts NOW!

You were fashionably sensitive, but to cool to care....

I am falling apart. My back hurts so badly that I couldnt even help everyone paint my grandparents house today. With all that they do for us, it upsets me that I really couldnt help. I know they all understood, but it made me feel old and useless. I dont like it.. I dont like feeling sorry for myself.

On another note, Karabear fell today running after someone and they think she tore something in her knee. My family is falling apart it seems. She was a trooper, but she can hardly walk and we took her to the urgicare. They are pretty sure she needs an orthopedic doctor to look at it. Ugh to that.

On a slighly happier note, as freaked out as I am about flying, I cant wait to get out of this city for a few days. I need some sun and some relaxing and just no worries for just a bit. I feel like everything is just piling up all over me. With the boy who cant make a choice, with the fam, with my own personal goals and expectations that I am not really making right now.. I need a break. I need a miracle.. I need a sign.. something.

Im sick of being lonely.

...becomes a whiter shade of pale...

Im blue. I dont really know why, but im in a funk. I dont know if its the boy..or lack of the boy..any boy even... or if its the family.. I think that we are losing my karabear and fast. I know she needs to find her path, I just dont want to think of the heartache she is going to have to go through to get there. I did all that. I ran away at 18 like a fool... i stayed with a man who was evil for pride.. I dont want her to end up like that.. she is such a little me that it hurts.

Im also stuck at a plateau with my weight loss. I am going back to the gym tommorrow after a hiatus. Im still watching what I eat, for that im really really proud...but I need to get back to feeling the burn. Getting my metabolism back up is key. I walked a lot on vacation and im sure that helped, but I feel lazy and lackluster.

Thank god for my friends who keep trying to pull me up. To remind me that I am so special and I dont need the crap that even though he doesnt mean to put me through, he does. Its hard to love. Its hard to be alone at almost 31 when almost everyone I know is together with someone. Im not good at being alone. Im picky and know what I want. I have to have faith that something great is waiting for me. I just hope it doesnt take forever to find me.. or for me to find it.

So go away blue.. i want color again. I want to feel fire and passion and be happy. I think Ive waited long enough.

I'm sleeping between trucks thinking of you...

I hate being sick. Im not like sick sick, but a horrible sinus infection and an ear infection are keeping me in bed today. I can feel the grossness hanging out in my chest. When I actually start coughing, its going to be really sickening. I know it. My doctor is kind of creepy, but he is loose with the prescription pad, thank god, cause I needed an allergy prescription and something for my poor ears. I am happy for a lazy day in bed trying to breathe, but I do hate not being at work. I love my job and I dont like that its not getting done today. I guess ive become a dedicated member of corporate society after all. Also kinda gross.

I didnt make it to the gym last night, opting for the doctors office instead, looks like Lacey and I had the forces against us. I will be back in action on Thursday.. I know I wont go tommorrow since I would like to celebrate the 5% irish blood that I have.

I did decide to go to San Diego. Ive never been to CA and a free trip sounds divine. I just have to pay for a plane ticket and the shuttles. Big Deal. This is why god invented plastic. Plus, with the Florida trip in two weeks, Im looking forward to getting out of town and clearing my head a little bit. As much as I dont love the sun, I am very ready to soak in some vitamin D and relax.

So bring on health and family time in FL and some Amy time in CA. Im ready for it. Plus, I wont look 1/2 bad in my bathing suit this year. Thats a bonus. Now, however, its time for TV and some more OJ.

Im a slacker. Ive walked this week, but no gym. Starting sunday its back on the horse. Whether or not I have to drag myself there alone, im going to curves. I havent gained any, but im at a plateau. I have to find out how to break it. I dont want to be skinny. I just want to be healthy.

Im in a weird spot for other things. we are talking, but its weird. I think he thinks I want more than I do. Right now, im content. I dont need anything else but what it is. I know he cant give me anything else and when I decide that I want it, Ill find it. Maybe (for sure) it wont be with him. Sad, yes. but expected. Will I ever be truly happy?

I need a date. I need someone to make my heart go pitterpatter. I want to go far away and see something new and exciting. I need my tummy to stop hurting and my head to sleep.

The good news is I have a really cute skirt to wear tomorrow. That pleases. me.