what doesn't kill me...

My life keeps changing in ways I dont like or understand.
Im scared and lonely and need to share.
I keep hearing, it will be fine, advancements are there..
but its only part true.

Ill never feel better than I do today, or yesterday for that matter.
It will only get worse, this cannibal inside me.
I want so many things, so many paths are left to be walked...

Who can love me now?

Eight

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession
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1. Be smart and able to hold a conversation

2. Know just how important my crazy family is to me and love them like I do.

3. Do the little things, scrape off my car, replace the filter in the heater.

4. Be affectionate. Hold my hand in public, be proud that you are with me.

5. Love and understand my love of bad movies and music. Be willing to snuggle all day to watch them with me.

6. Have a goal. I dont have to have a lot of money, but I want you to have a dream and want to go for it.

7. Kiss like you mean it and know just where to grab my hair to make me shake.

8. Be quirky. I want my Ducky.

Nine.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession

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1. I fear I'm missing out on a lot of things cause I can't force myself not to love him.

2. Smoking is a part of who I am and I think that when I quit, I will be losing a huge part of me. Plus, I really love the social aspect of it.

3. I dont have many close friends. I'm starting to feel really left out as they are all getting married and having babies.

4. Although I love losing weight, I wonder if I am really doing it for me, or only cause I think it will land me a husband.

5. I am going back to school cause Im hoping it will turn me into a grownup.

6. I have a really hard time going out when Im not with someone. Even though I know the only way to meet someone is to go out alone.

7. I am totally happy sitting at home all weekend and just watching movies, but only if I have someone to do it with.

8. I am a much happier person when Im surrounded by people. I am an extrovert and I get all my good energy from them.

9. I would love to move where it is warm, but I am scared to death of leaving everyone behind.

10,

I stole this from Lacey, who stole this from Phee-Bee, who stole this from a gal she knows. I'm sick of crying while watching Philadelphia, so I thought I would try it. It will also make a certain preggers gal of mine smile. Which is good.
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Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. You are as amazing as I think you are...but only to me. The rest of the world just thinks that you are mysterious and shallow. I dont care.

2. You are going about this the wrong way. You will never find what you are looking for doing what you are doing.

3. You have grown up so much in the past forever. I am so proud of who you are becoming and honored that I will always be a part of it.

4. You are adorable and so wrong for me, but something about your horribly sarcastic attitude really makes me smile. Sucker for punishment that I am. I think that I scare you and even though you tell me that you will never fall in love with me, I think that you are just trying to keep up appearances.

5. You remind me so much of daddy that it hurts me to be with you for extended periods of time. But on the flip side, I cant imagine what my life would be without you. I love you more than you can ever ever guess.

6. You are stubborn and wrong most of the time...even if you refuse to admit it. You are your mother's daughter, but without all the nice and loyal qualities that she has. If we were not related, I wouldnt be friends with you.

7. I dont miss you. You were the rebound that went wrong. I was too scared to be alone to leave sooner. You will never grow up and I am far too good for you.

8. As bitchy as you are, you are like a second mom sometimes. I crave your advice and approval, but I wish you were not so stubborn.

9. When you decide to grow up and love yourself and when we find the right cocktail for you, you are going to be the sweet and thoughtless person I know you can be. You do have a heart of gold.

10. You are at that age when being popular is the most important thing in the world. I hope it doesnt make you stuck up. You are far to wonderful for that.

Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming

Biggest loser at work starts next Monday. I will be allowed to go back to the gym that week as well. Im pretty excited about both of these prospects. I have been stuck at 194/195 for about 3 months now. Im a little sick of it. I would love love love to watch the scale number go down. Im hoping the motivation of the biggest loser at work is whats going to get me there...that and 4 days a week doing water aerobics. Im determined. I want this. Period.

So, this is the end of this chapter. Monday starts a new one. Im pretty darn excited.

Measurements and a photo to come next week. I swear.

Weight: 194

The light is pale and thin.. like you.

So here goes. I'm not going to 'blog' per se...We all know that doesnt work for me. I quit after a few months...

I am however going to start tracking my weight loss and progress here. I think If I have a photo record and a written account of what I do, it will be easier to get motivated and be held accountable.

Here goes:

Weight: 194lbs (and I can write that with confidence, considering 1 year ago it was 250lbs. I have lost 54lbs in a year. Not so bad.

BMI:29.49 Overweight

Waist: TBD
Hips: TBD
Bust: TBD

As I am only allowed to do water aerobics and walking, I will be keeping a log of that starting Feb. 1st. My gym membership renews on the 10th and I feel that I will be joined by several people to help me meet my goals. I will also have a food diary listed on here too, I think. We shall see how I feel. Phase 2, 34 lbs by my birthday...starts NOW!