Love, Love will tear us apart... again.

I went to the Bier Markt last night for a friends birthday. I was happy to be out for her and tried to have fun, really I did.. but I felt out of place. I just didnt like the bar, or the scene. I dont know what it is about me.. Its so hard for me to have fun if Im not 'with' someone. I am so wrapped up in the feeling that I need to have someone to share special looks with, to play footise with under the table, to drive home with me when its horrible and snowy and im scared...

Im really trying to break this habit. I dont NEED someone. I shouldnt need someone.. but damn, I really want someone. A certain someone, but I cant have him. I know hes not good for me or what I need. I know this feeling will fade and go away eventually. I know it. I know Im better than this need for him and that somewhere there is someone for me.. but tonight, I ache.

There was a boy last night who I know liked me. Im pretty sure he came out just to see me, but I just wasnt into him. I should have been, but I wasnt. I have this shadow of the person I want to be with so badly hanging out above me, behind me, above me... that I just cant get out from in it.

I want the fairy tale. I want someone to sweep me off my feet. I deserve this. Im a good person. Im pretty. Im funny. I care more about others than I do about myself. Why is it that im alone...? Is there something about me that pushes people away? I just dont get it...

Save the last dance for me...

Okay.. Im happy. really really happy. I did much better than I expected.

Drum Roll for this one. Here goes:

Total Inches Lost: 9
Total Pounds Lost: 7.5
Total Body Fat Pounds Lost: 6.77

Inches lost:
Bust: 1.25
Waist: 2
Abdomen: .75
Hips: 1.5
Thighs: 1 (each)
Arms: .75 (each)
Body Fat%: down 1.80%
BMI: down 1.17 points

So holy crap. I lost 6.77 pounds of pure body fat. I just keep thinking of how heavy a 5lbs weight can be in your hands after awhile...I lost more than one of thoes. Im remotivated. Not that I had lost any motivation, but its right back up there.

Im proud of me. For the first time in a long time.

...and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned.

I get measured tomorrow. Im excited. I know all my pants are looser and I bought a smaller size at Old Navy today. (Old Navy...where I have never been able to find a pair of pants that fit right, let alone in a regular size!!) But I want to see numbers. I want proof that what Im doing is the right thing. That this isnt a fluke. That I, at 30, can make a true lifestyle change.

Im lonely. I know being thinner wont cure that, but even I have to admit, its easier for the skinner girls to find someone to spend time with. I miss having a boy around. I miss sleeping next to someone. I miss sharing with someone. That someone. A special someone. I want that back. As sad as it is to say that I need a man in my life.. I dont think that thats it. I dont need one.. I am doing okay without one.. but I want one. Im getting older. I want a marriage and I want a baby and I want a shared life with someone.

I really hope that im taking the right steps to get there.

Putting on your bedroom eyes...

I got a polite nudge yesterday that I am not keeping up my end of the blogging bargain, so here it goes. : )

I feel like people might get sick of me talking about my weight. I cant help it, im really proud of myself. I lost 30 pounds. Thats the most Ive lost ever and this is the lowest weight I have been at in years. Im trying not to brag or seem full of myself, but its hard when you are proud. I did slack major this week.. I let my workout buddy being sick talk my head into not going to the gym. I did walk a little at home, but its not the same. Its time to get back on the wagon this week, no questions asked. Gym Gym Gym. The thought does not make me unhappy.

Hmm, what else. Im in a weird place in my head. I feel like im missing something. Im not sure what it is yet... Like I walked out of the house without my cell phone. just that nagging feeling in the back of my head. I did have a good night last night. Its weird, but familiar.

I do feel happy that Im rejoining all my friends again after a bout of being AWOL for a while. I forgot how much girl time can ease the soul. I cant wait to be Aunt Tessa to my oldest friends baby *lets get going on that..come on!!* Amy keeps me sane, its so good that she lives here. And Keri, god, my family is fucked up, but she gets me.

Now off to a lazy sunday. I have a zombie movie to watch and some dinner to make to get back on the wagon. I swear that if something fun happens, you will be the first to know.