Oh yeah.. I'M GETTING MARRIED!

So now all posts are going onto the silly wedding blog that I found.
I love it.

Phil and Tessa's Wedding Website

'and every time I look at you, it's like the first time...'

What I thought might be impossible, what I didn't want to even let myself think about has actually happened. 6 months with the boy that I adore. I am ready to marry him. I am already moving to C-bus, something that I never thought I would do. Granted, the better job offer didn't hurt, but it is comforting that he is there. I cant wait to move in with him.. to see if we can start a life together. I'm excited for the trip to Vegas, I love going to new places with the people that I love. Those memories mean more to me than most other things. I took Jacob to Memphis for my birthday years ago to see if I could remember why I loved him.. why I let him hurt me like he did. This time I'm going to Vegas with the boy that I am in love with... and that I know loves me.

I really enjoy being around his family, I enjoy the feeling that his mom and brother really like me. I think even his dad is coming around. Every time I look at him, I still get butterflies. It hasn't changed since two years ago today when we met. I knew that day that I thought he was beautiful. I knew that we spent the entire evening talking to each other. I knew that he was trying to get over a past that kept following him.. but then again, so was I. The first date was interesting...I think we both knew the other wasn't ready...but somehow after many admissions that we could never and would never fall in love with each other, we still found ways to talk, to connect, to remind each other that even at 4 am when all is dark and bleak, we weren't alone. What I consider our first real date was amazing. There was laughing, the great conversation that just keeps flowing, the way that you can look into someones eyes and it just make sense....

 I know the exact moment that I fell in love with him.. he keeps asking me when it was and I wont tell him... I told him that I would let him know on the honeymoon. ;) I am scared to death of this new future that I am creating.. but this is the first time I have really taken a chance on something that I don't truly know in my heart is totally asinine.

 The point of this blog was going to be about how pissed off I was at my best friend.. well, who I thought was my best friend, but who really upset me tonight, but Im not going to even give it the attention. I would much rather focus on what I love.

Happy Birthday Darlin'. I hope that it was everything that you wanted and more...even with no power. xoxo.

Still in freakout mode

I am still freaking out about finances, but it is what it is. There is not much I can do to change it right now, so Im taking baby steps. A payment here, a payment there. Small, but effective...even though it takes forever.

I am also in love and happy about it. This boy gives me butterflies whenever I look at him. I am ready to marry this one and run away. I might be crazy, but thats where my head is. I know Im still in the happy go lucky three month phase, but after knowing this one for almost two years, Im well aware of his flaws and I still love him.

Im sick of dating. I just want to be tied down and happy to stay home in the evening and just exist.

Bitching. Yes, I do it. So can you.

I am kinda freaking out. Looking at my finances has really put a damper on my whole mood. I am stretched to the limit. I will never pay off my mortgage, I owe over 25,000 more than it is worth.. I am not generating any equity at all... and that was the point of being a homeowner. I thought I would be here for 5 years, be able to sell and make just a little bit of money, and then be out. This is not going to be the case.

I just want to get married and leave this all behind. I realize that this is not going to happen for quite a long second, but I just want to get out of here. Im sick of waiting for my life to start. I am sick of school, I'm jaded with my work, I feel like I am being left out of a lot of things lately.

I feel like I am being a brat, and maybe I am... but I am just so pissed with the hand that I have been dealt. I feel tired all the time, I ache all the time, I have no energy to go out with anyone, Im in love with someone who lives two hours away and as real as Im sure it is, who knows if this will go anywhere. I need something good to happen. And soon.

Day Ten. I did this, Bitches.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession

One Confession. There are so many things that I would confess when I was a little girl to the man behind the screen. Now all of those things seem so small and insignificant.

Right now it is just this. I am in love. It's the first time I have felt this since Jacob. I missed this feeling. I have no idea if it will truly work, as much as I am hoping it will. Something about him makes me feel like I'm not just floating around. Like I have an anchor. And truthfully, I'm glad to give Jacob up as that anchor. He drags me down, my love holds me in place.

Day Nine: Endings and Beginnings

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession

This week has been good. Really Really good. Like I'm kinda crazy lovey gross good. It scares me, but I havent felt this way since about 5 years ago.. and we all know how that turned out.


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And since my image search is being dumb, Lets pretend I have a picture of a court room with a thoughtful lady in it. This lady would be me and I am getting very very antsy for this case to be over.

And lets pretend the other image is of a puzzle piece that is about ready to fit. I like that a lot.

Day Eight. What do I appreciate?

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession


I had a long day yesterday. I was in a little room with two lawyers reliving one of the scariest days of my life. Over and Over again. I left with a headache and feeling exhausted. I can not wait to have this all behind me. After three years, I'm done.

3. The word Love. Not as an affection, but as a pet name that someone calls me. It makes me feel special.

2. Some one who can share emotions with me. I like to know what is going on in someone's head. You dont have to let me in on everything...just some.

1. A man with a plan. I love plans, I like when someone has a plan and know what they want to do. Whether its for next weekend or long term a year from now... I love the man with a plan.

Day Seven. Still going in a row.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession


4. Boys who don't wear cologne. I dont know why. I love the smell of a good cologne.

3. People who are impolite. I hate people who don't have manners. Someone should have raised you better.

2. Boys who are afraid of commitment. I suppose this one is kinda obvious, but it needs to be stated. After dating someone and then sticking around for 3 plus years after...well, duh.

1. People who cant take charge. I like a boy who can take care of me when I need him to. Not to be overbearing, but to take charge and help me when I need it.

Day Six...surprisingly right after Day Five.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession


We are keeping family (well, blood family off this list) because it would me my mom and my sisters.. and that is like a duh. So in no order at all.

5. Keri - for in the list of cousins, she is the best. And I know that if I ever end up in jail for something dumb, she is going to be the one to rescue me. And because she can always cheer me up when I am feeling blue.

4. Lacey - my oldest friend and the one I share my soul with most often. There is a strength between the two of us that I dare anyone to try and compare. We are both strong, but together, we are unstoppable.

3. Amy - for living with me and putting up with me and knowing when to back off and when I needed love.

2. Jacob - Everything else aside, he knows me better than anyone else in the world. We have fun together and now that I can admit my affections lie elsewhere, I think that we will move into the friendship we always should have had.

1. The New Boy - Because he says something that makes me adore him more everyday and because I think that he might be the last puzzle piece I've been looking for.

Day Five, in Time Warp Land.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession


6. Jessica. Seriously. Who let's me make the decisions that I do?
5. Staying with Keen for as long as I did. I can't regret making the choice to be there, because of how much I learned, but I shouldnt have stayed.
4. Moved out of my house at 18 thinking that I was going to rule the world.
3. Dropping out of BW. I am too smart not to have a degree.
2. Buying my condo.. kinda. I know now that I will need to move one day, and kinda soon, and now it's going to be very very hard to do.
1. Driven past George's Kitchen on 6/19/09. It was the site of my car accident and it wouldnt have happened if I would have taken another way. The pain it has caused is not worth it in any way shape or form.

**on a lighter note, I am happier today than I have been in months. I think that my heart is remembering what it is like to be happy.**

Four

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession

So, I'll start slowly and see if I can keep this up...

**but on one note to pat myself on the back, I am down to just needing to lose 24 more lbs. I said earlier in this blog if I could lose 60 I would be exstatic.. well, I lost that and more. I'm proud of me.**

7. Do I self sabotage on purpose, or am I truly unhappy with my life.
6. Is the grass greener on the other side or do I just get bored far too easily?
5. Am I just allowed to eat ice cream for dinner?
4. That piece of my heart that you own, that I reserved for you.. I think I want it back. I need to feel whole.
3. Ow. God, do my joints hurt.
2. I kinda really want a baby. And a husband to go with it.
1. Is everyone's life so much more exciting than mine?

what doesn't kill me...

My life keeps changing in ways I dont like or understand.
Im scared and lonely and need to share.
I keep hearing, it will be fine, advancements are there..
but its only part true.

Ill never feel better than I do today, or yesterday for that matter.
It will only get worse, this cannibal inside me.
I want so many things, so many paths are left to be walked...

Who can love me now?

Eight

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession
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1. Be smart and able to hold a conversation

2. Know just how important my crazy family is to me and love them like I do.

3. Do the little things, scrape off my car, replace the filter in the heater.

4. Be affectionate. Hold my hand in public, be proud that you are with me.

5. Love and understand my love of bad movies and music. Be willing to snuggle all day to watch them with me.

6. Have a goal. I dont have to have a lot of money, but I want you to have a dream and want to go for it.

7. Kiss like you mean it and know just where to grab my hair to make me shake.

8. Be quirky. I want my Ducky.

Nine.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession

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1. I fear I'm missing out on a lot of things cause I can't force myself not to love him.

2. Smoking is a part of who I am and I think that when I quit, I will be losing a huge part of me. Plus, I really love the social aspect of it.

3. I dont have many close friends. I'm starting to feel really left out as they are all getting married and having babies.

4. Although I love losing weight, I wonder if I am really doing it for me, or only cause I think it will land me a husband.

5. I am going back to school cause Im hoping it will turn me into a grownup.

6. I have a really hard time going out when Im not with someone. Even though I know the only way to meet someone is to go out alone.

7. I am totally happy sitting at home all weekend and just watching movies, but only if I have someone to do it with.

8. I am a much happier person when Im surrounded by people. I am an extrovert and I get all my good energy from them.

9. I would love to move where it is warm, but I am scared to death of leaving everyone behind.

10,

I stole this from Lacey, who stole this from Phee-Bee, who stole this from a gal she knows. I'm sick of crying while watching Philadelphia, so I thought I would try it. It will also make a certain preggers gal of mine smile. Which is good.
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Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. You are as amazing as I think you are...but only to me. The rest of the world just thinks that you are mysterious and shallow. I dont care.

2. You are going about this the wrong way. You will never find what you are looking for doing what you are doing.

3. You have grown up so much in the past forever. I am so proud of who you are becoming and honored that I will always be a part of it.

4. You are adorable and so wrong for me, but something about your horribly sarcastic attitude really makes me smile. Sucker for punishment that I am. I think that I scare you and even though you tell me that you will never fall in love with me, I think that you are just trying to keep up appearances.

5. You remind me so much of daddy that it hurts me to be with you for extended periods of time. But on the flip side, I cant imagine what my life would be without you. I love you more than you can ever ever guess.

6. You are stubborn and wrong most of the time...even if you refuse to admit it. You are your mother's daughter, but without all the nice and loyal qualities that she has. If we were not related, I wouldnt be friends with you.

7. I dont miss you. You were the rebound that went wrong. I was too scared to be alone to leave sooner. You will never grow up and I am far too good for you.

8. As bitchy as you are, you are like a second mom sometimes. I crave your advice and approval, but I wish you were not so stubborn.

9. When you decide to grow up and love yourself and when we find the right cocktail for you, you are going to be the sweet and thoughtless person I know you can be. You do have a heart of gold.

10. You are at that age when being popular is the most important thing in the world. I hope it doesnt make you stuck up. You are far to wonderful for that.

Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming

Biggest loser at work starts next Monday. I will be allowed to go back to the gym that week as well. Im pretty excited about both of these prospects. I have been stuck at 194/195 for about 3 months now. Im a little sick of it. I would love love love to watch the scale number go down. Im hoping the motivation of the biggest loser at work is whats going to get me there...that and 4 days a week doing water aerobics. Im determined. I want this. Period.

So, this is the end of this chapter. Monday starts a new one. Im pretty darn excited.

Measurements and a photo to come next week. I swear.

Weight: 194

The light is pale and thin.. like you.

So here goes. I'm not going to 'blog' per se...We all know that doesnt work for me. I quit after a few months...

I am however going to start tracking my weight loss and progress here. I think If I have a photo record and a written account of what I do, it will be easier to get motivated and be held accountable.

Here goes:

Weight: 194lbs (and I can write that with confidence, considering 1 year ago it was 250lbs. I have lost 54lbs in a year. Not so bad.

BMI:29.49 Overweight

Waist: TBD
Hips: TBD
Bust: TBD

As I am only allowed to do water aerobics and walking, I will be keeping a log of that starting Feb. 1st. My gym membership renews on the 10th and I feel that I will be joined by several people to help me meet my goals. I will also have a food diary listed on here too, I think. We shall see how I feel. Phase 2, 34 lbs by my birthday...starts NOW!

You were fashionably sensitive, but to cool to care....

I am falling apart. My back hurts so badly that I couldnt even help everyone paint my grandparents house today. With all that they do for us, it upsets me that I really couldnt help. I know they all understood, but it made me feel old and useless. I dont like it.. I dont like feeling sorry for myself.

On another note, Karabear fell today running after someone and they think she tore something in her knee. My family is falling apart it seems. She was a trooper, but she can hardly walk and we took her to the urgicare. They are pretty sure she needs an orthopedic doctor to look at it. Ugh to that.

On a slighly happier note, as freaked out as I am about flying, I cant wait to get out of this city for a few days. I need some sun and some relaxing and just no worries for just a bit. I feel like everything is just piling up all over me. With the boy who cant make a choice, with the fam, with my own personal goals and expectations that I am not really making right now.. I need a break. I need a miracle.. I need a sign.. something.

Im sick of being lonely.

...becomes a whiter shade of pale...

Im blue. I dont really know why, but im in a funk. I dont know if its the boy..or lack of the boy..any boy even... or if its the family.. I think that we are losing my karabear and fast. I know she needs to find her path, I just dont want to think of the heartache she is going to have to go through to get there. I did all that. I ran away at 18 like a fool... i stayed with a man who was evil for pride.. I dont want her to end up like that.. she is such a little me that it hurts.

Im also stuck at a plateau with my weight loss. I am going back to the gym tommorrow after a hiatus. Im still watching what I eat, for that im really really proud...but I need to get back to feeling the burn. Getting my metabolism back up is key. I walked a lot on vacation and im sure that helped, but I feel lazy and lackluster.

Thank god for my friends who keep trying to pull me up. To remind me that I am so special and I dont need the crap that even though he doesnt mean to put me through, he does. Its hard to love. Its hard to be alone at almost 31 when almost everyone I know is together with someone. Im not good at being alone. Im picky and know what I want. I have to have faith that something great is waiting for me. I just hope it doesnt take forever to find me.. or for me to find it.

So go away blue.. i want color again. I want to feel fire and passion and be happy. I think Ive waited long enough.

I'm sleeping between trucks thinking of you...

I hate being sick. Im not like sick sick, but a horrible sinus infection and an ear infection are keeping me in bed today. I can feel the grossness hanging out in my chest. When I actually start coughing, its going to be really sickening. I know it. My doctor is kind of creepy, but he is loose with the prescription pad, thank god, cause I needed an allergy prescription and something for my poor ears. I am happy for a lazy day in bed trying to breathe, but I do hate not being at work. I love my job and I dont like that its not getting done today. I guess ive become a dedicated member of corporate society after all. Also kinda gross.

I didnt make it to the gym last night, opting for the doctors office instead, looks like Lacey and I had the forces against us. I will be back in action on Thursday.. I know I wont go tommorrow since I would like to celebrate the 5% irish blood that I have.

I did decide to go to San Diego. Ive never been to CA and a free trip sounds divine. I just have to pay for a plane ticket and the shuttles. Big Deal. This is why god invented plastic. Plus, with the Florida trip in two weeks, Im looking forward to getting out of town and clearing my head a little bit. As much as I dont love the sun, I am very ready to soak in some vitamin D and relax.

So bring on health and family time in FL and some Amy time in CA. Im ready for it. Plus, I wont look 1/2 bad in my bathing suit this year. Thats a bonus. Now, however, its time for TV and some more OJ.