Love, Love will tear us apart... again.

I went to the Bier Markt last night for a friends birthday. I was happy to be out for her and tried to have fun, really I did.. but I felt out of place. I just didnt like the bar, or the scene. I dont know what it is about me.. Its so hard for me to have fun if Im not 'with' someone. I am so wrapped up in the feeling that I need to have someone to share special looks with, to play footise with under the table, to drive home with me when its horrible and snowy and im scared...

Im really trying to break this habit. I dont NEED someone. I shouldnt need someone.. but damn, I really want someone. A certain someone, but I cant have him. I know hes not good for me or what I need. I know this feeling will fade and go away eventually. I know it. I know Im better than this need for him and that somewhere there is someone for me.. but tonight, I ache.

There was a boy last night who I know liked me. Im pretty sure he came out just to see me, but I just wasnt into him. I should have been, but I wasnt. I have this shadow of the person I want to be with so badly hanging out above me, behind me, above me... that I just cant get out from in it.

I want the fairy tale. I want someone to sweep me off my feet. I deserve this. Im a good person. Im pretty. Im funny. I care more about others than I do about myself. Why is it that im alone...? Is there something about me that pushes people away? I just dont get it...